Thirty two days! Wow! Self-pat on the back (and no I am not being narcissistic, just proud of myself) for job well done!
I have lasted thirty two days of no contact. No email. No phone call. No text. No Facebook message. No in person contact. Thirty two days of not saying anything to the narc that threatened to destroy my life. Despite his early attempt of a hoover, I resisted. I am so incredibly proud of myself. I didn’t realize I had that kind of self discipline in me.
If I sounded a little over the top in being exuberant about the thirty two days (just a month, big deal right?) it’s because prior to his discard email I have been texting him EVERYDAY. I kid you not. We were texting each other every freaking day. The last few days prior to discard was all about arguments. Things he pick up on what I texted and twist it around so it seems like I was starting a fight and therefore creating drama. I didn’t realize that he was just waiting for the perfect opportunity to discard. I have a feeling that he found his long awaited opportunity in my last text because a four page discard email followed the next morning.
These past few days I was raging. I was so mad because of the combination of the rumors he’s spreading about me giving him a birthday gift (as I mentioned in my last post) and rumination of some of our happier times. It was tough, I have to admit. I was talking to one of my friends who sort of dated him (and he callously discarded as well) and we just totally had a bash fest of all his faults and failures and what we would do to him if given the opportunity. My friend, F, said he doesn’t know how he would react if he ever sees him again. I did not mince words on how I would react. My friend said that his reaction towards him is more from a place of sadness. F was (and I think still is) in love with AS (my NPD former friend). F said that my reaction towards AS is more from a place of rage.
Yes, I admit. I am incredibly angry! I am so mad at him for using me. For taking advantage of my good nature. For manipulating me and my resources and then callously discarding me when I am no longer of benefit to him. But most of all, I am angry because not only did he discard me like a piece of trash but he has the audacity to intensify his smear campaign of me. I said intensify because I do believe he was already starting the smear campaign behind my back when we were still “friends” and he was already devaluing me.
The light at the end of the tunnel happened a few days ago. I received an email from an NPD survivor that I asked advice from. What she said made me really think. Why is AS so important to me that I am affected by what he does and what he says to other people about me? Why am I giving AS so much power in my life considering AS is just a friend, even if I considered him a best friend. This really made me think. Yes, why indeed?
So that night, I texted all my closest friends that are very familiar with the situation (and probably tired of hearing me complain about it) that I no longer care what AS says about me. I no longer care with whatever smear campaign he’s doing to me. In fact, I no longer care about the people he tells these lies to. I mean, if these people will blindly believe him and judge me without knowing me then I don’t need them in my life. I don’t need his (and their) approval to live the life I am meant to live. I have people who love me, support me and are 100% behind me all the way. These are the people I care about. These are the people that really matter. He doesn’t matter. He is nothing to me.
In fact, I actually find it hilarious and pathetic that he is going through all this effort of telling everyone (even people he just met) about this married woman that was obsessed with him. These people don’t know me, they barely know him. So what was the purpose of him telling them these lies about me? Why would they care? And if they do care, then I wonder why do they care? Is his life really that lame that he can’t talk about anything interesting about himself so he spreads lies and gossip about other people just so he has something to talk about? Sad and pathetic.
It’s almost like he’s trying to get attention and validation of himself from strangers by discussing me. It’s almost like he’s pointing an arrow to himself “Look at me, I am so incredibly attractive and irresistible that a married woman is obsessed with me even though I am gay.” I just roll my eyes at the absurdity of the accusation. Oh honey, that’s so cute that you think that but have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You’re a balding almost thirty years old with a beer belly. You don’t have a full time job and still live with your parents when tourist season ends. You drive a piece of shit car that is not even in the NADA guide anymore (it was that old and I don’t mean it’s a classic). You can’t even get guys you go on blind dates with give you a call for a follow up date. The last guy you were intensely interested in dumped you even before you met in person. Ouch! So don’t flatter yourself that you are all that. You are so not.
I’m not saying that I am the greatest thing since slice bread. Far from it. It’s just that I do not crave admiration and accolades from people. I don’t stalk my own Facebook wall to see how many “likes” I got from my recent post. I don’t need compliments and admiration to make me feel good about myself. AS does. He thinks that he’s the best person in the world and all his friends are clinging to him and obsessed with him because he is that awesome. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth.
It’s pretty sad, when I think about it, that his life is so uninteresting that he needs to use gossip and lies to find something interesting to talk about. And if the kind of people he’s trying to impress are the ones that thrive on gossip and lies, then they do belong with each other. When I meet new people, our topic of conversation would be about mutual interest and then I usually discuss my travels to share information about myself. I avoid discussing personal conflict or drama information to people I just met. I reserve that kind of discussion when I am having conversations with my closest and dearest friends. I have far more interesting things to talk about. And frankly, I don’t need validation of my self worth from strangers. I do not crave attention. I have a healthy dose of self confidence. I talk to strangers to make friends, not to find a follower who will constantly provide me validation of my self worth.
Thirty two days seem to pass by quickly when thinking in terms of numbers. However, in those thirty two days I have experienced a range of emotions from loss, to sadness, to anger, to seeking vengeance, to confusion and right now slowly into acceptance and eventual recovery.
AS used to tease about how I like holding on to friends and never letting them go. He said it like it’s a bad thing. He thinks that friendships are temporary and each friend has a purpose and when that purpose is done, then it’s time to let go of the friendship. This should have been my red flag. My warning sign.
He was wrong though. I did, finally, let a friend go…. him, because he is not worth keeping.