The Constant Struggle of Being Unable to Let Go

It happened a year ago. Has it been a year already? Back then it felt like an eternity. Every day was a struggle. A struggle to maintain no contact. A struggle to not miss AS. A struggle to keep my sanity. A struggle to be strong. Yet the days continued. I survived. A year later and I am still surviving.

I did break the no contact. I am still friends with AS. But this time I know what to expect. I know what to do and I know how to protect myself. I do admit there are still moments when I am caught off guard, when I revert back to my usual way of dealing with him. However, like the text book NPD person that he is, the minute he sees I am back to my old self he tries to strike. That’s when I wake up. That’s when I have to put a wall up again.

I know it sounds like hard work. To constantly be on guard. To constantly put my walls up. I don’t understand it myself. I wish I do. I wish I can explain why I am still friends with AS. Why I cannot get myself to walk away? I try to rationalize it by saying that I consider AS as my brother…as family. I am fiercely loyal to my family. I do not give up on them no matter what kind of shenanigan they do or trouble they cause me. Yes, technically he is not my brother but I have considered him as one for so long that it’s hard for me to separate that when I think of him. I know it has to stop at some point. He will never change. He will always find the opportunity to discard me. He is just waiting for that moment when I am vulnerable.

He moved again for his job. He found new friends and new people to be another potential supply for him. I already know who his next target is. I noticed the pattern. He starts with the social media “LIKE” bomb! He likes every single thing you post. Every picture. Every comment, regardless of how pointless and stupid it was. He did that to me before. Every.Single.One. Now I would be lucky if he likes anything I post. I can count it in one hand. Used to be I cannot post anything without him hitting the “Like” button. Ah social media and Narcissists…sigh.

After the “Like” bomb he would start inviting her to hang out. Every. Single. Day. He started that this week. I shall name this girl Laney for easier reference. He asked Laney to go hiking, then to go eat out, then to watch a movie, then to go swimming…every single day is a different activity. There are other co-workers but he singled her out. So typical. Like he did with me. She’s been posting on his wall about all the fun things they did. Same reaction as mine when he started singling me out and spending so much time with me. So weird because we’re different people, different women but yet we have the same reaction. We do the same things. As if we are programmed to be the perfect supply for his narcissistic needs. Strange.

I am waiting for him to invite her to an out of town trip. That’s what he did to me. That’s what he did to the supply after me, Beth. He invited her to go out of town with him. We were at No Contact phase that time but since I did not block or unfriend him from social media I saw all the post regarding their trip. The never ending praise they have for each other on how fun the trip was. It was mental torture. I cried. I remembered our fun times. I remembered being that girl. This was the moment that made me put him in a restricted section of my social media accounts. He’s there but I don’t see him.

He discarded Beth several months ago, right around the time when he went back to idealizing me again. My friend who was a friend of Beth said she was devastated. She did not know what happened. Why things suddenly changed. Why he suddenly started picking fights. I told my friend to give her some advice about what I went through but don’t say it was from me. The last I heard she’s still struggling but doing better. I wish I can talk to her and let her know she’s not alone. I tried one time to befriend her but she did not welcome my efforts. I know it’s because AS told her about me. I am pretty sure that she has heard what I heard AS was saying about me from the grapevine. I still remember the smear campaign that AS launched against me. It was awful. If she believed what AS told her about me, then that’s her choice. I cannot force myself on her or I would be creating more of a problem than a solution. So I let her be. I pray for her healing.

So now I am hoping Laney will realize what kind of person AS is before it’s too late. I do not wish for what I went through (and probably what Beth is going through) on anybody. I have learned my lessons the hard way and even though I am still exposing myself to the problem, I am facing it with my version of a bullet proof vest: knowledge of what kind of person AS really is and knowing what I need to do not to be victimized again.

Eventually I will retire from exposing myself to this kind of situation. For now, I am not yet ready. Every day is still a struggle.

Thoughts on Seeking Vengeance

I was sitting at home today just thinking about the whole narcissistic friendship experience I had with AS. Last night I had to ask my friends to validate my decision not to send a birthday greeting. It was difficult because it was so against my nature. However, I knew that I have come so far and been so good with NC that it would be foolish of me to break it. If I send AS a birthday greeting it’s like I gave up whatever power I currently have. It’s like going back to square one. It’s like just giving him the best birthday present ever.

In all honesty, I really don’t want to sound bitter. I really don’t want to be bitter. I want to be able to just close the book, put it on the shelf and let go. However, it’s not that easy. I can’t just shut off my feelings. I can’t just say good riddance, move on and not ruminate. It’s not that easy. I may put up a strong front. I may be able to resist contact. But, I can’t stop my mind from wandering to a place that I don’t want it to go. The place where bitterness resides. The place where I have him as a miserable waste of human flesh bundled up in a corner crying and apologizing profusely for what he put me through. Sometimes, I scare myself with the kind of endless imagination I have regarding his misery. It all boils down to him groveling and begging me for forgiveness. Oh how I wish imagination can become a reality!

But then again, what would that do? If he does grovel and beg for forgiveness, would I really feel better? Would I really be happy if he becomes miserable? If that is the case, then I am no better than him. If I enjoy his misery then what makes me any different from the sick, twisted individual that he is? Do I want to be that kind of person?

The simple answer is NO. Of course not. Who actually wants to be a sick, twisted individual like a narc? No one.  However, it’s a slippery slope. I don’t want to be like a narc and enjoy the misery of others. But as a victim of abuse, I want to avenge myself. I want to see justice. Unfortunately, since being a narc is not something you can legally get justice from (unless other issues that you can sue are present) , him being as miserable as what he made me is the closest thing to vengeance.

It’s hard. I’m not going to preach that I am enlightened and I can move past thoughts of him being miserable because I am a better person. I know that I am a better person compared to him but I also know that I am human….not a saint. However, the one thing that I can do is to just keep thoughts of his misery in my head. I will not act on it, nor will I intentionally cause it. Doing so makes me no better than him.

I have good days. I have bad days. Today is an in between day. I hope that there will be a time when I can really turn the page, close the book and walk away without ruminating, without imaginations of misery.

I hope that one day I can look at something that reminded me of him and not attach any emotions to it.

I hope that one day, I can honestly say that I have fully recovered and moved on.