Here’s my Heart, Tear it Apart

I’m done. I’m so done.

I know I’ve said it before, but like a crack addict, I went back for more. I should have known better. I discarded all the knowledge and strength I gained the past few months all because I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be someone who is willing to give second chances.

Well, they say giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time. My apologies to gun enthusiast on this analogy but I thought it fits. I gave him an extra bullet and he didn’t waste time aiming at me again.

The thing with emotional pain is that you can never prepare for it. You might have an idea that it will hurt but until it hits you, you will never really know how much pain you will be subjected to. I knew that AS will hurt me. I already knew that it is bound to happen but I thought I was prepared for the pain. After all, I went through it before already. I was wrong, this pain was a lot worse. A LOT WORSE.

My friends are already tired of listening to me because they cannot believe that I gave AS a second chance. I was hurting the whole day today and even though they are sympathetic, most of them basically told me “I told you so”. I cannot blame them. I would have done it myself if I were in their shoes. My stupidity is not their fault. It’s my fault. I hold myself responsible for all the pain I am experiencing right now. Doesn’t mean it hurts less. It actually hurts a lot more. Because I should have known better. I should have never allowed him back in.

I give him credit though. He knew where to strike me and hit the jugular. He knew what would hurt me more than anything in the world. You see he WAS my best friend. I called him best friend all the time. However (back before I realized he’s NPD), he told me he does not like the term “best friend” and would not call me that. He said that the term “best friend” carries too much responsibilities and expectations. He said he’d rather our friendship be the way it is with no labels. He said he had a bad experience with someone he called best friend before. He told me about his former best friend, Anna, and how they had a falling out over something shallow and they never went back to being friends. He said from then on he avoided the term “best friend”. At the time, I didn’t care about his avoidance of the term. I understood where he was coming from and I was ok with it. In fact, I was not even expecting that he considers me his best friend. It’s just to me he is it. He’s my best friend. WAS my best friend.

During the event we attended, while we were walking, he blurted out that his best friend thinks he’s crazy. I was surprised so I asked if him and Anna are ok now. Then he said, no Anna is not my best friend, Shandy is. I was floored! In all the time we were friends, he never mentioned anybody named Shandy! Where did this Shandy person come from? I was upset but I didn’t let it show. I figured that he is making this person up just to get a rise out of me. After all, how could he have never mentioned her at all before? He told me about all his friends from his hometown, including his former best friend Anna. You would think that he would mention someone that he actually considers as his current best friend at some point in our discussions!

Then today I saw him post on Facebook that he is attending the wedding of his best friend, Shandy. She has a Facebook page as well and their common friends were commenting on the post. That hurt. That stung like hell. Shandy is a real person. Shandy was the best friend that he never mentioned. Shandy was this whole other world that I didn’t know about. It’s not that I was expecting him to consider me his best friend just because he was mine, but why go through all the trouble of explaining to me the rational why you don’t like using the term best friend and then have someone that you actually call a best friend all along? What was the point of lying about it? Why not just tell me up front that he already has a best friend. I’m not unreasonable and irrational. It would not have been a big deal. But to lie to me about not wanting to use the term that he is now so freely using and even posting on social media, that is an all time low even for him.

He knew that letting me know that I am not his best friend will hurt. To be honest, it did. It’s like a slap in the face. Especially now that he is oh so flaunting it for all to see. I do not understand why he had to do that. Why he had to hide this friendship and then all of a sudden flaunt it now? What was the purpose of this?

Here I go again trying to rationalized the irrational. I almost forgot that he is NPD and that is what they do. Manipulate, lie, play games. Sadistic little bastard got to me again. Ugh! I really should learn my lesson now.

So here I am again saying that I am done. No more social media. Blocked on my phone. No more contact. I’m getting off the roller coaster. I can’t subject myself to this kind of pain again.

I’m gonna go to the corner and lick my wounds.

No contact, Day One, begins all over again.