Here’s my Heart, Tear it Apart

I’m done. I’m so done.

I know I’ve said it before, but like a crack addict, I went back for more. I should have known better. I discarded all the knowledge and strength I gained the past few months all because I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be someone who is willing to give second chances.

Well, they say giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time. My apologies to gun enthusiast on this analogy but I thought it fits. I gave him an extra bullet and he didn’t waste time aiming at me again.

The thing with emotional pain is that you can never prepare for it. You might have an idea that it will hurt but until it hits you, you will never really know how much pain you will be subjected to. I knew that AS will hurt me. I already knew that it is bound to happen but I thought I was prepared for the pain. After all, I went through it before already. I was wrong, this pain was a lot worse. A LOT WORSE.

My friends are already tired of listening to me because they cannot believe that I gave AS a second chance. I was hurting the whole day today and even though they are sympathetic, most of them basically told me “I told you so”. I cannot blame them. I would have done it myself if I were in their shoes. My stupidity is not their fault. It’s my fault. I hold myself responsible for all the pain I am experiencing right now. Doesn’t mean it hurts less. It actually hurts a lot more. Because I should have known better. I should have never allowed him back in.

I give him credit though. He knew where to strike me and hit the jugular. He knew what would hurt me more than anything in the world. You see he WAS my best friend. I called him best friend all the time. However (back before I realized he’s NPD), he told me he does not like the term “best friend” and would not call me that. He said that the term “best friend” carries too much responsibilities and expectations. He said he’d rather our friendship be the way it is with no labels. He said he had a bad experience with someone he called best friend before. He told me about his former best friend, Anna, and how they had a falling out over something shallow and they never went back to being friends. He said from then on he avoided the term “best friend”. At the time, I didn’t care about his avoidance of the term. I understood where he was coming from and I was ok with it. In fact, I was not even expecting that he considers me his best friend. It’s just to me he is it. He’s my best friend. WAS my best friend.

During the event we attended, while we were walking, he blurted out that his best friend thinks he’s crazy. I was surprised so I asked if him and Anna are ok now. Then he said, no Anna is not my best friend, Shandy is. I was floored! In all the time we were friends, he never mentioned anybody named Shandy! Where did this Shandy person come from? I was upset but I didn’t let it show. I figured that he is making this person up just to get a rise out of me. After all, how could he have never mentioned her at all before? He told me about all his friends from his hometown, including his former best friend Anna. You would think that he would mention someone that he actually considers as his current best friend at some point in our discussions!

Then today I saw him post on Facebook that he is attending the wedding of his best friend, Shandy. She has a Facebook page as well and their common friends were commenting on the post. That hurt. That stung like hell. Shandy is a real person. Shandy was the best friend that he never mentioned. Shandy was this whole other world that I didn’t know about. It’s not that I was expecting him to consider me his best friend just because he was mine, but why go through all the trouble of explaining to me the rational why you don’t like using the term best friend and then have someone that you actually call a best friend all along? What was the point of lying about it? Why not just tell me up front that he already has a best friend. I’m not unreasonable and irrational. It would not have been a big deal. But to lie to me about not wanting to use the term that he is now so freely using and even posting on social media, that is an all time low even for him.

He knew that letting me know that I am not his best friend will hurt. To be honest, it did. It’s like a slap in the face. Especially now that he is oh so flaunting it for all to see. I do not understand why he had to do that. Why he had to hide this friendship and then all of a sudden flaunt it now? What was the purpose of this?

Here I go again trying to rationalized the irrational. I almost forgot that he is NPD and that is what they do. Manipulate, lie, play games. Sadistic little bastard got to me again. Ugh! I really should learn my lesson now.

So here I am again saying that I am done. No more social media. Blocked on my phone. No more contact. I’m getting off the roller coaster. I can’t subject myself to this kind of pain again.

I’m gonna go to the corner and lick my wounds.

No contact, Day One, begins all over again.

On Leaving the Walls Up…

Since I realized that my former best friend has NPD, I have been on guard when dealing with him. I went through a period of No Contact. Now I’m slowly easing into a civilized interaction with AS. Guarded, limited and avoiding dealing with anything that can result into an emotional confrontation. I find myself limiting the kind of information that I would tell him, as opposed to how I was such an open book with him before. He would give me information about himself and although I listen, I find myself not truly caring like I used to. It’s almost like I’m now just regarding him as an acquaintance as opposed to the best friend that he used to be.

Friends ask me why am I even giving him another chance to hurt me. You know, I’m not sure myself. All I know was that I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of feeling constant anger. It was stressful. It was making me the kind of person that I am not. So I decided that the only person who can stop my pain is myself. It was hurting me that he treated me that way. It was hurting me that he discarded me the way he did after everything I did for him. It was hurting me that he seem to be fine without me. Since I know what kind of person he is, it is up to me to decide if I can handle dealing with him without being sucked into his emotional vortex. I decided to face my pain by allowing him back, even in a limited capacity, in my life. The goal is to stop the pain and eventually learn to finally let go when I know that I will no longer hurt no matter what.

I did observe some pretty interesting things about him since we got back from being “on hold”. Being “on hold” is the term he used for the period when we had our falling out and stopped talking. Funny how he actually labeled it. He didn’t realize that I was not considering it as a hold but as beginning to letting go. Sigh.

It was not as obvious to me before, well not until I realized he’s NPD, but AS is really a control freak. He likes controlling the conversation. He likes to find out details about my life but is very elusive about his. I used to try to start daily text conversations with him. He would get annoyed with me for asking too many questions. I told him it was just because I was trying to carry on a conversation. We end up arguing and then long text messages of how I am so wrong about so many things. I would apologize and then he would point out how wrong I am. I would ask for forgiveness and sometimes grovel and then he would “forgive me”. Yet, he brings it up every single time we have an argument.

Now, I wait for him to send me a text. I do not start a text conversation. If I don’t get a text from him in the morning then I just continue on with my day and not send him any text until he initiates and then I respond when I feel a response is necessary. So far, he finds an excuse to send me a message every day. It could be something as mundane as if I like condiments (does it matter?), or that he saw a cute guy (ok?). I would look at my phone and usually I wait about an hour or so before I respond IF I respond. He was so used to me responding right away that sometimes he would follow up his mundane text with an even sillier one. For example this morning he sent me a text that a cute guy texted him. I didn’t respond because I don’t think it needed one. An hour later he sent me pictures of the guy (a dozen of them) asking me what I think of the guy’s looks. I didn’t respond. An hour after that he said the guy was asking him for naked pictures and he’s asking me if he should do it. Followed by 3 more text messages containing a series of question marks. I finally responded (15 min later) that I think he should refrain from sending naked pictures of himself to a random stranger. I may not be best friend’s with him anymore but the good person in me don’t want to see him in trouble either.

I also noticed that his personal platform for narcissism is his Facebook page. Whenever he feels the need to be praised, he posts pictures that never fails to get praises and accolades and people telling him how much they miss him and thanking him for his friendship. I want to gag. Not because of how he somehow trained his NS to always praise him even on something as simple as a picture of a phone book (seriously he got over 100 likes and about 30 comments of how awesome he is based on a picture of a phone book), but how he portrays himself so differently in social media than how he is in real life. Today he posted a picture of a mountain and how much he would miss living in his current town since he’s about to leave for the season and go back to his parent’s house. His comments section was filled with him telling people how much he loves living in that small town. This after he just texted me how he can’t wait to leave because of how bored he is already. Sigh. Dr. Jekyll meet Mr. Hyde.

The best thing about all this is that since we were “on hold” I have not done anything remotely close to interacting with him on social media. I see his posts. I laugh but I ignore. No likes, no comments, no wall postings. Nothing from me. Every single time he posts something and he sees me liking my other friend’s posts but not his, he would give me the cold shoulder. Like clockwork, never fails. It’s so funny that me and my other friend Lexy have a running wager on how long he’ll give me the cold shoulder after his FB post. Eight hours is the longest he’s gone so far. Then he comes back with a mundane text. Sometimes just a hello. So funny.

So right now, I’m just letting things go from day to day. I am no longer getting emotionally involved and I find myself closely guarding myself from him. I know he senses that my walls are still up that’s why he’s avoiding engaging me in any argument. However, I also know that he will not stop from trying to break my walls down. It’s the manipulative, control freak in him.

I just have to be really strong and not waiver in keeping my walls and guards up when I am around him. After all, I let him in once and he took advantage.

Never again.

Facebook and Narcissistic Friendship

The past weekend was quite challenging for me.  AS (my narcissistic former friend) came to town for a party. I found this out through a common friend’s Facebook post. He was very active in the comment section  (so unlike him as he rarely likes anybody’s post or even comment on any post other than his own) as if he wants to let me know that he is in town, having fun and not contacting me. A few weeks ago I would have been devastated to find out that he is blatantly ignoring me. However, when I read his barrage of post detailing how much fun he’s having with so and so, I just find myself laughing. He must be in massive need of narcissistic supply to travel from another town to our town for a birthday party of someone he just met a month ago.

The following morning I got an alert that he added 10 new people (all from the party) in his growing list of Facebook friends. All of his recent additions are girls. I find this interesting because he is gay yet he seem to prefer women to be his narcissistic supply. My husband asked me several times, when AS and I are still in good terms, if I am sure that AS is gay because he noticed how he seems to always surround himself with women. I think it’s because it is easier for him to manipulate women. After all, he has this sadistic way of singling out a woman from his pack, shower her with much attention and affection (or fake affection in this case) that the woman starts thinking hat maybe he’s not really gay and there is hope. He did this to countless of women that he used to be close friends with until they became obsessed with him ( or so he claims). He did this to me. Not that I hoped that he was not gay, nor did I even fantasize any romance between us, but I do admit there are moments during the idealization phase that made me wonder if he was in love with me. The attention was too much, the focus was intense and the way he treated me in the beginning was of someone who is interested in dating me. He wanted to know everything about me. He wanted to know what I like, what I don’t like, what makes me tick. He wanted to know my job, how much I make, where I spent my money, how much such and such cost. Then I noticed how we have many things in common, ranging from music, to nature, to taste in food (especially sushi and seafood). He always wanted me around. He wanted to spend almost every single day with me that I had to put my foot down on some days because my husband was complaining about the amount of time I spent with AS. The things we have in common plus the shower of attention was making me even doubt my own feelings. It was making me feel like a giggly school girl who is getting attention from her crush. He was making me doubt my love for my husband. He was making me doubt myself. Now I realized that this was all a part of the idealization phase and all the data gathering was to build his arsenal to be used against me when he is ready to discard me.

Almost everyone I talk to ask me why I still have him on Facebook as a friend. I know that I am doing no contact but they say having him on Facebook and seeing his information is still a little bit of contact in a way. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things and of interpreting things. I understand that to most people unfriending and blocking their N is the best way to do no contact. This is in the same vein as most people would rather deactivate their Facebook than just simply log off and disappear for a while. However, I have my reasons for keeping him on Facebook. It may not seem logical to most but at this moment it works for me. I keep him on Facebook (although today I set him to a spot where I don’t even see him in my news feed nor do I get any notification) because I want him to know that nothing he says or does affect me in anyway and that I am perfectly happy living my life without his presence. I know he thinks that my life would fall apart without him. He put himself in such high regard that he thinks I would be miserable and whiny whenever he post things that he knows would stir a reaction from me. I do admit, it does, but not the reaction he was hoping for. Every time he posts something that I know is meant to elicit a reaction from me, I laugh at his pathetic efforts then I do the exact opposite, I ignore his post and I don’t even bother posting anything for that day.  I have actually done this many times since his discard email, that it’s no longer an effort for me.

I know that people say Narcissist don’t really care about you. I do agree. However, I think that when he’s trying to get a reaction out of me by posting things that he knows will push my buttons it’s not because he truly cares about how I will react. It is more of a control issue. He wants to see if he can still affect me and make me react the way he expected me to. Right now, because I have not done anything he expected, I have a feeling that he’s doing all these extra efforts to gain back control over my emotions.  Sorry dear, I’m done giving you anything.

When he started devaluing me, I sensed that there is a new supply already available to replace me. Of course, at that time I didn’t know I was being devalued. I just thought I was being replaced as a friend. The funny thing was he convinced this new girl from the get go that I am psychotic and obsessed with him. I now realized that that’s the reason why when I used to work with this girl she would always give me the cold shoulder no matter how nice I am to her. I even complained to AS about it at that time ( I was completely unaware that him and his new supply nicknamed me “crazy” behind my back) and he said I was just reading too much into it and S (the new supply) is a very nice person. Even so, she added me to Facebook and I accepted her request. I figured that’s her way of extending an olive branch. Last weekend, when AS was here,  S started posting every single thing she and AS were doing and how he’s the best guy ever. I started rolling my eyes when I read that. I was thinking…oh boy, you are in for a ride my dear. Welcome to the Funhouse!

I think that AS picked her out of all the potential new supplies (he has several supplies available but he singles out one main one like he singled me out) as the main supply because he knew that I dislike her. It’s almost like hitting two birds in one stone, he gets a new narcissistic supply who worships the ground he walks on (I’ve heard this girl talk about him nonstop to anybody who would listen at work, even our supervisors) and he thinks it will piss me off. Sorry dear, all I feel now is pity for her because she didn’t know what she’s getting into and pity for you because you will never really have a true and lasting friendship.

I told my friend that I found a silver lining in my “AS Experience” (as I refer to our so called friendship). I realized that I need to establish strong boundaries. Know what I should and shouldn’t put up with when it comes to people. I should trust my gut instinct that if something does not feel right, I should walk away. I already felt something was amiss during the initial devaluation phase but I held on. I should have let go at that point. Silly me, I didn’t know I was holding on to a fantasy.

But the most important lesson I learned was that I married a wonderful man who will stand by me no matter how much I hurt him during this entire ordeal.

I may never fully understand why (out of all the women in his supply arsenal) he picked me. What’s important is that he is now gone from my life and that I am slowly, but surely recovering from this horrible nightmare.

Starving a Narc

I would be a hypocrite if I say that I don’t dream of revenge against AS (my NPD former friend). Every time I see a reminder of him, I want to go over his house and just slap him. A good smack that will leave the mark of my fingers against his face. Of course, in reality, I won’t do that. Not because he doesn’t deserve it but because he is not worth the effort.

After the discard email I got last week (see my previous post), it took every ounce of my energy to not react at all. I know that he wants attention, craves attention and by reacting I will be giving him what he wanted. I already gave him enough. This well is dry. He’s not going to get anything else from me anymore. I did not respond to his email. I did not send him a text message. I did not post any status update or anything related to his email on Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler or anywhere. I did not do anything that will acknowledge that I received his email. I did not do anything that will show I am paying him attention. I told my friends (who do not know him personally but know the story) and they have been very supportive of me and my efforts. I asked my friends not to post anything on my Facebook regarding betrayal of friendship, NPD, or anything at all that would indicate that I saw his email.

I am starving the narc. He wants attention, positive or negative, and I am not giving it to him. He is so used to me posting my feelings on Facebook through status change or internet memes depicting what I wanted to say. I stopped doing that. I stopped liking any of my friend’s post/memes that can be interpreted as something about him (in Facebook you can see when a friend likes something someone else posted). All I am posting on Facebook right now are mundane things happening at work, pictures of my wonderful cat, my nature photographs (I’m dabbling in photography), and pictures of my shopping adventures. Nothing about my feelings regarding our so-called friendship.

Why don’t I just block him from Facebook?  Two reasons why not: 1.) It will let him know that I got his email and that’s how I reacted 2.) Even if he thinks that I read the email, my non reaction on Facebook is showing that nothing he did affected me.

If there is anything that an NPD person hates, it’s being ignored or feeling that they don’t matter. I know he stalks my Facebook page. He still does that with his former best friend (that he also discarded). By not blocking him but also not feeding his need for attention,  I am making him see that my life is perfectly fine without him. That my world did not implode with his absence. That he was not as important to me as he thought he was.

At first, it took quite an effort. I had to control my emotions every time I want to post something that is connected to how I totally feel about the situation. However, after several days, it was almost second nature. I just decreased my time on Facebook. I decreased the number of posts I made. I just went back to enjoying my life. Life that was actually fun before he entered the picture and tried to ruin it.

I know, even if he said that he does not expect a response from me, that he was expecting me to respond. He was expecting me to apologize, grovel and beg (because I did that before, silly me) that his friendship is too important to me and I will do everything he wants me to do so he can stay in my life. He was expecting a barrage of text messages from me begging him to stay being my friend. He expected missed calls. He expected Facebook messages. In short, he expected me to react and show my emotion so he can feed off it. Then, he can show his friends my emails/texts/Facebook posts to validate that I am indeed crazy and that he needs to get away from me.

I did not do what he expected me to do. Threw him for a loop! I bet he was surprised.

After a week of not hearing from me, not getting any acknowledgement of his discarding me, not knowing how he emotionally damaged me, he is starting to implode. He started posting on Facebook about his feelings. About how friendships and people are temporary and there’s a season and reason for everything. How people come and go. His friends (those who don’t know me but know about me probably)  started commenting that they will never leave him, that they will always be there for him. It made me chuckle. People who are friends with both of us knew that that post was meant for me. Did I react? No. Did I post a retaliation or even something that is in response to his post on my wall? No. I logged off Facebook and saw a movie.

However, I did find it funny that he was chastising me before about posting things that are about him on Facebook (even though it is not about him he thinks it is), yet, he does it himself. Typical narc, rules don’t apply to him.

At first, I was doing all this to make him miserable because I am not giving him the attention he wanted. However, now, I realized that I am doing it for me. I am doing it so that I can move on from the toxic best friend that I used to have.

In the end, he did me a favor.